If you’ve become a student this September then well fucking done. You’ve successfully managed to dupe the government into giving you a shed load of free dollar. Sure, you’ll have to pay it all back one day – but that’s something for ‘Future You’ to shit his pants about, not ‘Right now You’. All ’Right Now You’ should be worrying about is how he/she can get the goodest shit from their student overdraft and transcend to new levels of awesomeness. Thankfully, the Money Saving shit-sperts here at I Review Too are on hand to offer some pearly pearls of wisdom. Listen up chumps…
Getting the most of your overdraft is easy. Just make sure you buy…
Loads of Booze
It doesn’t really matter what you’ve chosen to study at uni as 99% of students puke out everything they’ve ever learned during term time anyway. If you’re not taking at least one shot a minute whilst in further education then you’re doing it wrong. As soon as you’re set up in your cushy new pad, go withdraw loads of tenners and buy loads of beers. Heck, why not push the boat out and buy a six pack of champagne or some of that fancy stuff they only serve behind the counter? You’re not picking up the bill. The world’s your oyster. Your boozy, vomit covered oyster.
Loads of Games
When you’re not guzzling boozes or nursing an alcha-poop hangover from hell you should be shooting things on computer games, obviously. Head straight for your local game emporium and stock up on the latest electronic gadgets, doo-dads and thingees. You might not think you need all of them but in fact, you do, so buy as many consoles as you can. That way, you’ll never be bored when you’ve got your mates over. The goal is to be more hooked up to state of the art devices than Neo and Stephen Hawking combined. Sure, it might make your brand new flat look like a hardware-infused wank fortress but it’ll be worth every penny. Probably.
Loads of Scratch Cards
What’s the only thing better than having loads of free money? Having loads more free money, you silly dickhead. Sorry to be the bearer of bonerkill news (we did mention it earlier), but one of these days the bank will come a-knocking on your pockets for their cash. Prepare for this dark day by stripping your local Spar of their scratch card collection. There’s a good chance that you probably-maybe-kinda-might-not lose all of your money. Let’s not spout any bullshit, there’s a small chance that this could be a bad idea, however there’s also a small chance that it could be the best idea you ever had. Go on LAD, be a winner.
Loads of Food
People always get fatter at uni, so don’t worry if you start to pile on the odd pound or ten. The basic student rule of thumb is that the more weight you gain, the more fun you’re likely to be having. Beer, tasty pastries, a re-heated Dominos nightcap – they’re all signs that you’re having a absolute tits time and operating at optimum levels of aceness. Reprogramme your mushy Fresher brain to live off a simple credo: ‘If it looks good, eat it’, and make sure you spend your Student Tokens (money, duh) on that all important five a day: Subway, McDonalds, KFC, Chinese, Burger King. Sorted.
Loads of Fancy Shit
Remember when you were younger and saw that cocky Scot Scrooge McDuck swimming in his coin-filled pool like a right well-off prick? Well stop your hating because now you too are monied, with quids coming out your arse and fivers for jizz rags. For starters, you should never NOT be wearing a full tuxedo, that’s just standard practice in the new area of mega-wealth that you’ve entered into. Next, round up a non-student mate (commoner) and drag them to the nearest shopping centre. Wearing a monocle, take a leisurely walk around pointing at shit no proper person actually needs whilst saying things like ‘One of those..’ and ‘Hmm yes, one of those too’ in a right poncy accent. Stock up on posh bollocks and remember, If anyone makes direct eye contact with you, you’re legally allowed to backhand them.
Miss anything? Make yourself useful and let me know in the comments.
Originally written for TheLADBible.com
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