Reboots divide audiences. Some people like them, most people hate them. Here, I’ll explain how to reboot a classic movie in the most annoying way possible. That way, if the President of Hollywood just so happens to stumble upon this feature, he or she will find a handy guide of what NOT to do. Then they’ll ignore it and do it anyway. First up, JAWS.
Roy Scheider’s Brody is an undervalued presence in Jaws. So often is he overshadowed by Quint, Hooper or the movie’s titular bitey-beast that you forget he’s basically you on screen. Like us normies, he doesn’t want to go into the water and definitely thinks a bigger bloody boat is needed. He’s the buoy that keeps this gripping story afloat (sea what I did there?) and the Amity Island every-man that us shiny-eyed viewers can relate to.
So let’s mess that up straight away. In Jaws 2014, Hollywood will be so desperate to maintain this crucial role that they’ll hire Andy Serkis to portray Roy Schieder via motion capture. This way, we’ll get an almost identical performance artistically and visually but because motion capture just isn’t quite there yet, it’ll be annoyingly uncanny. Every now and then you’ll see through the photo-realistic pixels and realize what you’re watching isn’t real at all. You’ll get scared, remember Scheider’s dead and think you’re seeing a cyber ghost. Then you’ll just deal with it and add it to your list of disappointments about the film.
But online this will be one of the reboot’s most talked about new additions. During the months leading up to its release, movie sites will be abuzz with the latest news on the motion capture Brody or ‘Mo-Bro’ as he’s been affectionately nicknamed. We’ll start seeing on-set snaps – Andy in his balls-out mo-cap pjs on Collider. An unfinished digital mock-up of the Chief getting boofed by the old Kintner lady will be leaked to Ain’t it Cool News. All this will culminate with a renowned movie mag nabbing the official reveal rights before anyone else. They’ll run a final image of ‘Mo-Bro’ on the cover of their latest issue accompanied by an ‘Exclusive First Look’ tag. It’ll be a breakthrough in digital animation, it’ll be photo-realistic, it’ll be…basically just a photo of Roy Scheider, someone we’ve all seen a billion times before. It’ll be the most ridiculous thing ever, but you know, so are remakes.
It goes without saying that this movie déjà vu will be aimed squarely at the tween audience as they have the parents with the most cash. As such, the role of Hooper will be played by a GIRL (dun dun duuuuhhhh) and not just any girl, Kristen Stewart (gasp). As soon as she arrives on screen she’ll start doing what she does best – that painfully confused frown look. You know the one. It’s like the face you’d make if someone rubbed poo on your top lip while you’ve been snoozing and every now and then you keep getting the odd whiff of it. She’ll use this expression constantly and it’ll be so annoying not even Jaws will want to gobble her up.
Some things will have to remain the same though. She’ll still play a shark expert but in our version it’ll be revealed that she has a dark secret. She may claim to be a fish nerd but we’ll soon discover that she’s nothing of the sort. The only reason she’s accompanying Brody and Quint is because she’s IN LOVE WITH THE SHARK. Think about it. It’s exactly the sort of taboo, forbidden romance that the tween demographic are all about. Naturally, there will be loads of shots of Stewart looking longingly into the water and acting awkward and bashful whenever the shark surfaces. She’ll be all dramatic and in love and angry at all those who disagree with her unnatural relationship. Meanwhile, we’ll all be aware that it’s a fucking shark and well stupid. Movie bloggers will have a field day.
This’ll be the film’s left-field casting choice (as if a CGI Brody-bot wasn’t random enough), an acting ace-in-the-hole and an attempt to quell fears that this whole thing is a complete waste of time, money and the use of people’s eyes. For Quint, Movieland will pick someone you’d never expect – like Inside The Actor’s Studio host James Lipton. It’ll emerge that after years of analyzing the work of others, Lipton wants to prove that he can do it too. The studio, spying some free press and eager to stir the pot, hand him the role and continue on their search for a new collective childhood memory to do a poo on.
Desperate to impress and flex his dramatical chops, Lipton will transform every line he’s given into a lengthy, theatrical word-storm of emotions that are so decadent and over-the-top, the movie’s runtime bulges by 90 minutes. The famed SS Indianapolis monologue will become lost in a scrumtrulescent slew of Shakespearean antics, culminating in a thirty-minute death scene and an interpretive dance number. Lipton will immediately start filming his own Inside the Actors Studio interview mere hours after he’s wrapped.
Determined to shock audiences with his quirky role choices (they’re now kind of predictable) and to ensure the movie actually gets made (bankability), Johnny Depp will play the shark we all know as Jaws. The presence of a star like Depp will pretty much guarantee ticket sales from impressionable punters who’re dead eager to find out what their next Halloween costume will be.
As a result of this casting choice, the poster campaign will be completely focused around Depp’s face, which has been painted blue and made to look like the Great White Bruce. For some reason he’ll insist on giving the shark a funny accent and bizarre hat, despite the fact that neither make any sense in relation to the role. He’ll be on screen for less than 40 minutes but will be the only actor to get his name on posters and in the trailer. Tim Burton will be angry he didn’t think of this first.
IMPORTANT NOTES ON SCRIPT:
Michael Bay will direct, with Joel Schumacher of Batman and Robin fame producing.
Bay will insist on changing the shark’s origin story. It’s now the product of space alien DNA.
- Jaws 2014 will be in 3D, just like that bit from Back To The Future Part II.
For all those panicking at the idea of a Jaws reboot, RELAX. Luckily for us movie fanatics, Spielberg has the magical power to squash any remake attempts of his movies until the day where he decides to pack in his beard and call it a day. With that in mind, let’s all revisit this ace Jaws trailer from 1975.